Lately, I've been having some doubts about my marriage.
I mean, dont get me wrong. I love having my own family, my own house and my own space.
Andrew is a wonderful person. He's a great help with kids. He just loves them.
I want everything I have now but not here, in this place that I have nothing but resentments against it and worse, perhaps not with Andrew.
He is my dearest friend. We broke up once before he decided to go travelling for the second time to China and India. He asked me to go with him. I said I would but back out in the last minute. I used my parents as an excuse which is a big deal in my family. We werent married and I didnt want to think about what my parents would think about this. So I back off and told him that I didnt love him anymore. I thought I didnt. I dont know. It seemed at that time that we were just not in the same page. He loves travelling and he travelled cheap which I dont think I would ever be able to do that. I love to go and see the world but I refused to live in a dump from one place to another. And see where I end up now. You reject shitty places to stay while travelling and end up living in one for the rest of your life becuz you got married. I think I broke Andrew's heart then. But at the time, I jsut dont see how we could keep on going like that. How do two people so different be together. There wasnt an obvious future that I could see then. I later dated other people and somewhere between me dating people, Andrew wrote an email saying that he wouldnt talk to me anymore or he thought we shouldnt talk anymore. Not until then I realized how important he is to me. I realized that there's no one in the world would know me this well and love me for who I am and put up with me in every way and at the same time still willing to be my dear friend. I dont quite remember what I said to him in the emails but I ended up meeting him in India and we got back together.
For a long time, I havent got a chance to look back and think about how I felt that time and tried so hard to win him back becuz I dont think I can ever find someone as good as him. Now, after being married for four years and having two kids with him and moving out here, my doubts come creeping back.
Being married is a huge different I guess. We have to deal with our own shits now. From what I see it is we have been having fights about this is just not a fair life for me. I had to quit my job which I love, left my friends and family behind and came here becuz this is where he wants to live. You know, so he's near his dad who just lost his wife of 30 years and also farming is really something that he wants to do on the side. I do understand there will be sacrifices that need to be make in a marriage. I saw mine but where is his???? Okay, let's see. He has to work hard to support me and the babies. No guys night or any sort of social life but then again I dont have that either and I cant think of anything. I am trying to be understanding. Sometimes, I can smile and be happy and forget about the fact that I pretty much dont have anything I used to have for a moment. Yet, there's moment like this that I regret on doing this. Got married and moved here. There's this elder relative who keeps saying that this marriage just wont work cuz he's got this neighbor's daughter married someone from Tibet and she moved there and moved back to her country within three months or less mainly cuz she just couldnt fit in the life there. Well, no shit, they live in tents and make fire to heat their houses and cook proabably. Look on the bright side is something Andrew always wants me to do. In this case, he was right but I just dont want to be this person who looks on the bright side of things. I dont want to be here and that's how simple this marrige's problem is. I hate to admit that elder relative is right. I hate to let him know that he's right but he might be right. Why would I want to be here when I could really be there in Taiwan and have my life, my work, my friends and family back and be a happy person.
There's not going to be a solution here without tearing this family apart becuz Andrew simply doesnt want to live in Taiwan. I mean, he has a great job and his dad to take care of. What about my babies? What should I do with them. I do love to raise them here cuz it's just a safer and greater place. I do tell people that's the main reason I move here is for my children. I dont mind raising them in Taiwan by myself. My parents will be more than happy if I do that. I can still fly back and see Andrew with the kids or he can visit us. But that's not a functional family and Taiwan is really not a good place to have kids anymore. They need to have space to run around and the school shouldnt be this tiring and stressful for kids to attend in Taiwan either.
What do I do? Keep living unhappily for the sake of my children or everyone's happy living in Taiwan and forget about Andrew's feeings just let him be left out.
I have to admit that Andrew's a great guy. Not only he's a great dad but a wonderful person but life just get so hard sometimes well actually quite often that I just want to escape and be a coward person and say the hell with it. Will it be fair for my children then and what's with this world than it just has to be suck for one person in a situation. Why cant there be a win-win for everyone. It's not fair for Max and Mia to have no dad around or Andrew being left out OR it's me having nothing, hating this place almost every minute I'm in. It's obvious isnt it. You got married so you have to stick to your commitment whether you think it through or not. And of course too bad about you if you didnt and that's me. Sucker.
